i have no mouth and i must scream
a small look on my life right now, happy february to you all !
For the past (almost) two months, I have witnessed my life move from one corner of the room to the other so quickly with every decision I make. At the start of the year, I prayed to which ever higher deity (even when I’m not that religious) there is out there to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE (no Sabrina Carpenter) make my life better this year after a whole month of isolation and guarding my peace.
That’s when I realised that I probably protected my peace far too hard when my best friend dropped me because I ended up isolating myself from them, even after I explained my problems that led me to the venture of silence.
Right after that, I broke down and that breaking down has never gone away. I have been put int this endless cycle of trying to repair myself but I’m not doing any work, or making good decisions for myself. My life has become mundane.
My personality too, had changed, as much as I became more care free of anything I do because I finally started to feel comfortable with myself, I began to cater to what people wanted from me. When people wanted me to stop being mean, I did that, when people wanted me to stop isolating myself, I did just that.
But today, I began to wonder, not ponder or think, no, i began to wonder, am I even happy with the way my life is right now? It may sound absurd, yet, even I don’t know what I want. My choices are so indecisive that even trying to pick between what I like and or don’t like is becoming harder by the minute.
I long for the days when I was able to say no, when I was able to walk out when the high of life faded and I took a breathe of fresh air provided by the prosperity of isolation, when I was able to be free. I am no longer like a bird, and I will never fly away, I am more like a rat, one that tries to survive in a house, scavenging for scraps of food, and finds the poison meant to kill it being it’s only way of survival, the mirage of life that ends in the death.
My conclusion is this, I shall always give life a chance. Everything is romantic and I will always see the beauty in the mundane, though, I can only do that when I am truly understanding of the beauty in myself and my choices and my actions, so, 2025, let me be myself for once.
